And then he fell...

Christmas wasn't the most joyous occasion since Nick, monster and I all had the stomach flu, but just as I thought we were in the clear on Monday morning and was looking forward to the final week of 2010, the monster fell out of his crib, right through my hands and head first onto the tile. His shoulders absorbed most of the impact, but his head still hit the ground and, seriously, words cannot describe just how scary that one second was.

I rushed him to the ER that is, thankfully, only a few minutes away. Four hours later he was given the A-OK (much to my relief) and we were able to go home, however we are both suffering from a form of PTSD. I'm even more paranoid than I was before, and he is afraid to wander as much and little falls-- from standing to kneeling, for example-- really freak him out. The past two days have been full of cuddling, encouraging, and (I hope) some emotional healing. It breaks my heart that my super confident baby is afraid to do all the silly things he loved to do and my mom-esteem is in the negatives now. I can only hope that he'll be back to his usual self in a couple of days and that my nightmares go away.

Thankful Thinking

I know that most "I'm thankful for..." post end up being all the same, but I feel that I must share what I am truly thankful for. Like everyone else (well maybe not "everyone" but you get the picture,) I'm thankful for my husband, family, friends, life, food, etc. but one thing in particular really stands out: my Monster.

I am so thankful that I had an OB who wasn't opposed to an overweight gal getting pregnant (like the NP I went to for a very brief period of time,) and that she helped me stay strong as we struggled to diagnose my issue and did all she could to help us get pregnant. I am thankful that once she ran out of resources, she sent us to RSONM. I am thankful that our RE didn't jump to the more extreme (and expensive) procedures, like so many RE like to do, when the first go failed. I am so thankful that the second round took and they caught my low HGC levels early enough to do something to get them up. I am thankful that the pregnancy stuck, the Monster grew right on schedule, and my second OB rocked. I am thankful that the Monster arrived at 38 weeks even though I was at risk for PTL, and he was born complete healthy. I am thankful for an awesome pediatrician, that the Monster got past the SIDS period unscathed and is developing on track.

The past year has been filled with anxiety, disappointment, and heartbreak, but it also had such joy that words will never begin to describe. I know I complain a lot about a lot of different things, but I would not change a thing about my life. Being a mother is the greatest thing in the world and I will never be able to thank those who made this possible enough.

If you don't understand the acronyms, google them.

WWI, You're Depressing Me, Please Stop.

This semester I signed up for a class on WWI- not because I'm really interested in the war, but because there was very little to choose from this year and WWI seems less depressing than the Holocaust class Sarah is taking. Though I still think I made the right choice, I had no idea how depressing WWI really was. And now I have to read Unknown Soldiers which is about three soldiers-- a Brit, German, and American-- who died in the war, but whose bodies were never recovered, how the felt about the possibility of their deaths, how their family found out they were MIA and presumed dead, and how their family and nation mourned them.

I'm definitely going to have to start taking my anti-depressants again.

Work

A couple of weeks ago, one of my former bosses offered me a job (via the facebook, which is kind of funny.) Its just for the holidays and only on days they really need me (and I think I'm on call for most of those). I'm kind of excited to go back, but yet I'm really nervous. There is a part of me that likes retail. There is a bigger part that hates it- I'm no good at signing people up for rewards cards, and even worse at getting them to sign up for credit cards. Also, the last time I worked there I had more self-confidence than I knew what to do with. This time, not so much. I hate the size I've grown to and though I will not be the largest person working there, I won't be one of the thinnest either (like I was the last time.) I also have a haircut from hell (formerly called "not the greatest haircut" but it has now grown to that weird stage, where it's not quite long enough to go back and looks horrible down). Thankfully I don't have to dress-up today, so I'm hoping someone will walk me through what's in style now because I really have no idea. I'm guessing it won't include my awesome Vibram fivefingers, which I'm going to wear today. At least I know that I will have both the coolest shoes and the coolest watch. Ha.

Oh... and I discovered last night that one of the paintings I used for my research paper is considered Renaissance (which is bad since it's for a medieval class) but I don't remember seeing a whole lot of paintings that included panthers, so unless the professor lets me keep it, I will most likely have to find another animal (which will take a lot of time) and the stupid thing is due tomorrow. Bah.

**UPDATE: The professor said I could keep it since it still falls within the time frame of our class. I think I love her... ok not really, but I'm super relieved.**

Ariana Franklin- Damn you!

One of the few good things about working at Borders was that employees could get advanced readers-- copies of new books before they edited for a final time and released for the public-- for free. A few years ago (two or three? I'm not really sure now) I managed to get my hands on a copy of Ariana Franklin's Mistress of the Art of Death (info can be found here.) The book is really good, as are the three that follow it, however, this last one (A Murderous Procession) left me on such a cliffhanger that I want to go find Ariana Franklin and kick her in the shin! How dare you do this to me! And the worse part: I can't find anything that says that a fifth book is in the works.

On that note: I highly recommend this series to everyone! (Especially Sarah.)

My thoughts on the events of November 2, 2010

I don't generally like to talk politics because, one, I don't feel that I have enough information to make any type of statement about politics and be able to defend it (poorly or otherwise) and two, my grandfather was/is a politics nut- but not any nut, a nut who doesn't really know what he's talking about, and I may not know a lot, but I know enough to know that he doesn't really know what he's talking about (confused yet? So am I) and that turned me off on the whole debating thing.

However, in light of recent events, I need to speak my mind but I wanted to do so in an environment where if I offend anyone, the issue can be dealt with in a much more private manner than other environments (i.e. facebook or the SUB) would allow.

I am very disappointed in NM, especially those who are between the ages of 18 and 30. I voted and I think that if you are not comatose, you should vote to. It's you right, yes, but one that is too important to not exercise. Half of Bernalillo county (the most highly populated county in NM) didn't vote on Tuesday and only 11% of NMicans between 18 and 30 voted.* Seriously? Are you really that busy/lazy/indifferent? Ok, I guess I'm not really surprised.

What really rubs me the wrong way is the crazy number of college students I'm friends with on FB and those I don't know, but overheard at school who were complaining about the results but didn't vote themselves. The common thing I've heard- "I hate that people are all-'you have to vote' but when I ask them why they don't have an answer which means that they don't know what they hell they're voting for, so why should I?" (direct quote overheard on the bus yesterday). It really isn't too hard to find out what there is to vote on and you don't even have to turn on your TV and watch those terrible campaign ads. You're just lazy.

So for all those students who are mad because the new governor (who I will not rant about, as much as I would like to since I've chosen to be positive about that situation... even though it is looking like an impossible task) isn't going to do anything for students, I say this:

If you would have voted, more money may have gone to higher education, but because you didn't, Bond D was voted out by mere tenths of a percentage. Yeah that's right, the ballots contain more than just "who do you want to be governor, sheriff, etc.," they contain bonds that affect the things around YOU. So thanks to your lack of interest, something I greatly care about (and you should too) lost out on something really important. That means less hiring of professors, TA's, GA's, clerks, etc.; more people without jobs and, therefore, more people you will be competing against for jobs when that times comes. My education may suffer because of your indifference. Thanks.

At least the GO containing money for libraries passed. Maybe the literacy rate will start to increase and the next generation will be a little smarter than those in mine.

*I'm not 100% on those numbers, so if I am incorrect, I will update accordingly.

15 Authors

I usually don't do these sort of things, but I saw this on the book's face and figured I would give it a go, though I didn't think I could come up with 15 authors even with the crazy amount of books I read. However, once I got going, it was really easy to come up with writers who influenced me in some way (though most of them ended up being historians/scholars). I decided that I wanted to be able to talk about them a little bit, but facebook just isn't the place to do so... and I don't think the little survey thing is intended for explanations.

So here it goes: (these are in no particular order)

1. Bede- (historian)

Bede wrote The Ecclesiastical History of the English People (circa 731 CE), which comes standard in almost any early medieval history class. It's not always the most exciting read, but it was my first real contact with historical non-fiction on medieval England.

2. Snorri Sturluson

Snorri not only has an awesome name, he compiled old Norse legends into what is know as the Prose Edda. The Poetic Edda (author unknown) is a collection of old Norse poems (obviously) about the Norse gods. Snorri's Edda sort of fills in the blanks left by the poems, and includes other legends- like those of Sigurd (yay Sigurd!) Yes, Snorri is responsible for my Viking obsession.

3. Alexander Dumas

My all time favorite book is The Count of Monte Cristo. Though this is a work of fiction, it reflects so much of Napoleonic France- a time period I just happen to love. And lets face it, Edmund Dantes is kind of sexy.

4. Shel Silverstein

Apart from those of the Edda, Silverstein's poems are pretty much the only ones I like. I am having such a blast reading them to my little Monster and I hope that he will read them to his children.

5. Padraic Colum

Ok, so when I first learned about the vikings (learned the truth- not the horn wearing barbarians that people tend to believe- that is) I was more interested in their mythology than the people themselves. In the midst of overwhelming curiosity, I picked up Colum's Nordic Gods and Heroes and instantly fell in love with Odin, Frey, Thor, Loki, and all the rest (except Baldr, I don't really care about him in the same way I don't care for Achilles- come on, killed by mistletoe? Really?) Because of this book I wanted to learn more about the people who worshipped these extraordinary gods, people who believe that all their gods (well, the cool ones at least) were killed in an epic civil war. So I signed up to take an independent study course so that I could find out. I ended up writing my term paper on the different paths the vikings took for trade/raiding/land/exploration and how they influenced the people they encountered. I wish I still had a copy of it. This paper lead me to Snorri Sturluson.

6. Lauren Willig

Author of The Secret History of the Pink Carnation, which I have mentioned before. I love this series. What could be greater than aristocratic espionage during the Napoleonic wars with a lovely dash of chivalry and romance? Miles Dorrinton... and he's in this series! I strongly recommend this book to everyone, whether you're a history nut or not!

7. Roald Dahl

I think Dahl's books were the first real novels I ever read (unless Goosebumps are considered novels... those may have been first then). These books really opened up my imagination... and spurred my love for peaches. I still, to this very moment, hope I can meet a big friendly giant and every time I see pointy toe shoes, I think of toeless witches.

8. Ariana Franklin

Author of The Mistress of the Art of Death, a historical fiction about a female doctor during the reign of Henry II of England (late 12th century). Yes, there is a little bit of romance in this series too, but what I really like about this book is how historically accurate it is and that it shows that the Middle Ages were not "dark" as so many ill-informed people think.

9. James Macpherson

Ok, so he was a lousy historian and lied about the there being documented sources for his Poems of Ossian but the poems themselves are wonderful and, when picked at meticulously, show some rather interesting things about medieval Scottish society that archeologists have unearthed and proved. Even though it is a rather difficult read, and my favorite berserker is portrayed as a wuss, it shows that literature is important in historical study... and reminds me of just how silly the scholarly world can be.

10. Dante

After spending weeks dissecting that blasted Inferno, I hated Dante. But it's crazy just how much his version of hell has impacted me. I think that it's crazy that babies go to anything even remotely close to hell because they aren't baptized, but I have to say that I often worry for my Monster. I may not fully believe in what Dante wrote, but what if he was right? Maybe a few drops of water on my baby's head isn't that big of a deal if it covers the "what if."

11. Toshio Maeda (TMI warning!)

I'm sort of embarrassed to have included him on this list, but I would be lying if I said his work hasn't stuck with me all this time. He is the author and illustrator of the Japanese manga Urotsukidoji. I have not actually read the manga, but I did watch the anime which stripped me of my otaku innocence- this was not only my introduction to hentai (Japanese porn), it also introduced me to the Japanese obsession with tentacles. I am no stranger to the world of pornography, but there is nothing that can ready you for a glowing blue penis or a demon with many phallus shaped tentacles chasing after teenage girls. Through this I somehow came across (I don't remember how now) Bible Black which has scarred me for the rest of my life.

12. Unknown

The problem with being a medievalist is that most manuscripts were written by monks who were not important enough to leave their names, however, many works that have influenced me have unknown authors. Two worth mentioning are Beowulf (the viking obsession continues!) and The Ulster Cycle- primarily for "Bricriu's Feast which discusses my favorite beserker (the one Macpherson made out to be a wimp) Cuchulainn (pronouced coo-cullen, though my professor pronounced it coo coo lain). One day I will write why I love him, and will show a picture I once drew of him in all his berserk glory!

13. Oscar Wilde

For two things The Importance of Being Ernest and The Portrait of Dorian Gray. If you have read either of these, you will understand why I have included Wilde here.

14. Lady Charlotte Guest

Lady Guest compiled the Mabinogion, which is a collection of Welsh legends. The first cycle is "Pwyll, Prince of Dyfed." I have an idea of writing a fiction based off of this particular legend, but I haven't had the time to actually start it. I plan to try to start next summer. Just to show how crazy the Welsh language is, Pwyll is pronounce Pooeelh (but my professor called him Pweeth, so I do too) and Dyfed is pronouced Dove-aed. Crazy right?

15. Goethe

Faust is not, by any means, my favorite book/play, but after Dr. Willby's Damned Heroes class I tend to find faustian bargains in every stinking think I read/watch! I know that Goethe wasn't the first to come up with the Faust myth, but I like his version a little bit better... and I love the old black and white film that was made off of it. Also... Faust makes me think of theses, and even though I hated Willby for being such a hard-ass when it came to a freakin' thesis, I can write one hell of a thesis statement now. Thanks Willby.

16. Charlotte Perkins Gilman (Yes, I'm including a 16th for this blog because I forgot about this one when I did the thing on FB)

I had to read The Yellow Wallpaper five and a half years ago for my Eng.102 class and I will never forget it. It's Gilman's account of her struggle with postpartum depression/psychosis. She was carted off to the country with her husband and newborn because that's what the doctors of her time prescribed for ppd. While there she had horrible hallucinations and it is all quite frightening to read. When a month had gone by since the Monster was born and I was still feeling really down, I remembered this essay. If I had not read it, I may have not gone for help when I did and I don't even want to think of what may have happened if I hadn't. I know I would not have hurt the Monster, but I honestly cannot say the same about myself or Nick.

So that's my list. Maybe one of my very few readers will pick up one of these books and perhaps they will mean something special to you too. And maybe Hope will finally read the Pink Carnation! Serious Ochibi, get on it! Oh, and in case you are wondering, I have not included links (other than for Cuchulainn) because I figure that if you're really curious, you can google.

=)

Why do I do these things to myself?: A mini list

1. I am certified computer-stupid. I keep forgetting there is a "back" button for the interwebs... only on blogger though. I remember it just fine everywhere else. I come one, view my blog(s) to see what I wrote last (no, I can't remember), but then I have no idea how to get back to the bloggy home page since the "dashboard" button isn't displayed when viewing my personal blog. So what do I do? I hit "next blog" and then "dashboard." I just realized now that I could just go back. Sigh.

2. Nick is out of town. I have to say that in light of recent dramatic events, I'm slightly relieved to have this time to myself (and the Monster, of course). I was even looking forward to it. I missed him the second I dropped him off, but I didn't cry like I used to. I had a pretty good Monday. Once night fell though, I was plagued with this incredible guilt because I missed him, but not like I used to. And I said something kind of mean the day before he left... well, I didn't mean for it to be mean, but now I'm kind of worried that he thought it was mean. Sigh again.

I think I used to always be so sad when he left because I knew I wouldn't really get to talk to him. When he's in Seattle, he isn't able to text at work like he usually would here, and Nick is not a phone talker. I think our longest phone conversation in the history of our relationship was a whopping seven minutes. I kid you not.

We talked for maybe five minutes last night, he texted me "Morning" this morning and I haven't heard from since. So now I'm going back and forth between being angry and worried. And the worse part is that I know I'm going to feel guilty tonight for being mad and then the whole cycle is going to start over tomorrow.

3. After approximately three months (it's been at least a couple) I have finally finished re-reading the Seduction of the Crimson Rose. It is the fourth book of the Pink Carnation series and since two new books are coming out this winter, I wanted to re-read the existing ones... this summer. I started the Sookie Stackhouse books (amazing btw) after book 2 of PC, which meant I only had time to get in the third before school started. I was still trying to read Crimson Rose here and there, but I never got in more than ten pages at a time (I partially blame the Hunger Games for that though.) It really is a good book though, not my favorite of the series (that would be the Masque of the Black Tulip... I love Miles!), but good nonetheless. Well I finished it! Yay! But boo..... I started the Temptation of the Night Jasmine today, telling myself that I would only read it once I got into bed since I have a lot of reading to do for school this week. I'm now 133 pages into it and I haven't even looked at my school books (I did read the notes from Monday that Sarah scanned for me... thanks Sarah!)

I fail, and with that... onto more of the adventures of Charlotte and Robert!!!

Wait... I mean WWI!

Crap.

Just a rant

I really am trying to stay as positive as possible but something really irks me. Isn't it common to sort of lose the friends without kids once you have yours, not the ones with kids? I'm really hurt that one of the best friends I had has absolutely nothing to do with me anymore, and it's not from lack of trying on my part.

When she had her kid, I did everything I could to continue our friendship because she was afraid to lose it. But once I gave birth she just disappeared.

I'm hurt

I'm angry

and now I'm over it.

=)

10 Reasons Why HGTV is Evil. The new thing I'm doing

I have decided that I'm going to make a random list of 10 (+/-) things once a week. Why? Because I can. Actually I keep thinking of how much I like/dislike something and I think, "hey, I should list that on the bloggy," so I decided to give it a shot. I probably won't stick with it, but that's ok.

So...

10 Reasons Why HGTV is Evil

1. It's addicting. All I want to do is pass the time and try to get inexpensive ideas for the townhouse we're going to be putting on the market soon, and I end up watching for hours.
2. They make tasks appear much easier than they are, and the results can be disastrous. (Example: Ochibi's tile project in one of the upstairs bathrooms in the townhouse. Not exactly a disaster, but the un-doing of the tile may very well be). It'a like one of those peer-pressuring bullies who get someone (i.e. me and the chibs) to do stupid stuff.
3. I start to get ideas- big and small, but then I remember we don't have money and it makes me sad. It's almost like it's teasing me for having a set budget.
4. Again, I get ideas, but these ones are small and possible to do with little or no money, but Nick and I don't agree when it comes to decorating. So HGTV is secretly trying to destroy my marriage one painted headboard at a time.
5. Shows like House Hunters make me want to buy a house. But I can't. And I'm certain HGTV knows this and is laughing at me.
6. It makes me like my current house even more. The more I watch HGTV, the more I want to change the house I live in, but that's not possible. Again, there is laughing.
7. I spent months on the Rate My Space website looking at nurseries in order to get ideas for the Monster's. I took the things I liked from top rated nurseries and combined them to create a space so beautiful it brings tears to your eyes (and if it doesn't, I will poke you in the eye), but what score did I get when I posted the pictures on RMS? A 2.8 (out of 5). A F*cking 2.8! That room deserves at least a 4! HGTV must have told people to rate it lower just to spite me.
8. Almost every show has someone on it that I want to punch in the face- it could be the show's star, one of the homeowners (or potential homeowners), or some random crew-member. It's like they're trying to make me angry!
9. Spinning off of number8, the most annoying person on HGTV puts me into this "hate-cycle." He drives me crazy! And he is a good painter, which makes me dislike him even more because it is unfair that a person so obnoxious is so talented. He is so talented that I want him to paint something for my house. Which makes me hate myself. It all boils down to me hating Nick for getting us cable/satellite. Again, HGTV is trying to destroy my marriage.
10. HGTV constantly reminds me that I am renting and will be renting for a while. I'm generally OK with that, but I do wish we owned our own home so I can do all of the cool decorating things I've seen on HGTV (amongst other reasons). The worse part is: it likes to show beautiful things that I will never be able to do unless we win the lottery.

So thanks, HGTV. Thanks for being an assbutt*! Now off to see if Designed to Sell is on because it's totally my favorite show right now.

* "Assbutt" is courtesy of the show Supernatural. Cas is awesome and a half.

*** UPDATE *** I turned on the TV and the super annoying guy was on! Curse you HGTV. Curse you!

You Know you Need Sleep When...

1. You are pulling out diaper-ness from the washer and sorting them into their designated drying places- inserts to dryer, shells onto chair which will be pushed to kitchen for the hanging (hang diapers, not chair... and yes, I am too lazy to carry them)- and discover that you have pulled out all of the shells and there are a lot less than expected, which can only mean that we hadn't run out of diapers and the panicked washing of diapers and staying up late was for not. Then, as you turn to put the rest of the inserts in the dryer, you realize that half of the shells have been thrown in there instead of on the chair. Some people do put their shells in the dryer, I do not and will not unless I'm possessed by my inner sleepy zombie (see previous post.)
2. You agonize over your usage of "for not" because you are certain that it cannot be right, so you google it, discover that is should be "for nought" and end up getting caught up in some random person's essay/article on Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Damn you inner medievalist!
3. You are too lazy to correct "for not," but not lazy enough to not write about how lazy you are.

Going to bed now. For seriously. And it's Tuesday... I'm getting my hair cut today, but I have no idea how I want it to look. Great. Off to google hairstyles.

Curses.

Mommy Fails

Yeah that's right, I fail.

Monster has diaper rash. It's what I get for bragging about how cloth diapered babies don't get diaper rash. In my defense, he had some pretty bad diarrhea (tmi you say?) and it took all of three minutes (from when I heard it leave his bottom, the walk from the living room to the nursery, and the opening of scary diaper) to go from nice baby bottom to red bottom of doom. And by doom, I mean awful pain for the innocent monster when mommy wiped his sensitive bottom with the same amount of force I always use (fail #2) and the heartbreaking scream that came from said wiping. I then put the wonderful diaper rash ointment on it and changed his diapers more often than necessary. The redness disappeared after a couple of hours, but there are still some sores.

Then I forgot to put the rash ointment in his diaper bag, so the G-Ma wasn't able to put it on him while she babysat today (fail #3.) She texted me- since I was in class- saying that she was going to use Vaseline on it, which I said was more than ok. Vaseline is not good for cloth diapers. Of course his bottom is more important than the diapers, but it makes me a little sad since I do love his diapers (not more than him). So I'm counting that as fail #4.

Fail #5- For the third time, I forgot that we have a finite number of cloth diapers, and that number is a little smaller now since I'm trying to avoid using the Fuzzibunz until Monster gets a little bigger (they're leaking because his tush is too small for the second size, but too big for the first). Monster had to wear the awful 'spozies because we ran out of both kinds of diapers.

Fail#6- I was so caught up on the Packers-Bears football game (Nicko is a Green Bay fan and I'm a fan of Clay Matthews... he's yummy) and reading two blogs I have recently discovered that I forgot I was washing diapers, so instead of going to bed at 10 with my husband, I'm up.

Fail#7- the final cycle ended while I was writing this and I didn't notice.... I could be in bed already. Lame.

Fail #8- I still haven't scheduled the Monster's six-month appointment, and I just overlooked the check-list of things they want him to be able to do about now and I have realized that he's a little behind... mainly because I don't enforce tummy-time. He worked pretty hard this afternoon and evening and I think that if I keep with it he will be where he needs to be. I hope. I know that every child is different and grows and develops at his/her own pace, but I- as I'm sure very parent does- want my child to be a super-kid who hits milestones on time, if not ahead of schedule. Of course there is also the sleepy voice in the back of my head that says "babies don't sleep well when they hit major milestones," but I'm going to continue to ignore it because that's why the gods made coffee.

Fail #9- I always misspell force.... I like to pretend that there is a "u" in it. Bad me!

Fail #10- I can't remember what other fail I was going to post because I'm so tired. When does this "mommy" think get easier? Shouldn't I have this amazing super-human mommy-sense that alerts me when my child is about to fill his diaper with a gooey mess that is going to burn his bottom so that I can just hold him over the toilet and prevent this? Or makes me remember that there is important stuff (still) in the washer that must be moved to the dryer and clothes line? Clearly there is not enough caffeine in my life. I like to be in bed around nine-thirty. That was two hours ago and I am now a zombie. Brrrainnnnssss!!!!

Oh... I remember now. I was going to pull the clothes line and put the clothes pins on it to save me time once the cycle finished. Damn it to hell! Maybe it will still be today when I go to bed.

2 Years

It seems like it was just last week that I was laying in my parents' guest room, too excited for my wedding the next day to get any sleep (and of course agonizing over the fact that not enough sleep would mean bags and dark circles under my eyes). How times flies. Throughout Hopie's wedding planning days, and even a little now, I see what other people are doing with their weddings and I start to wish I had done everything different- i.e. lose weight, get a different dress, tell my mom to shove it when she said I couldn't wear the shoes I wanted instead of cave and end up wearing shoes I hated. The list goes on. I do, however, still love my flowers, the centerpieces, our cake, my 5 million pound hairstyle, and above all the man I married. And that's really what it all comes down to. Even though there are hundreds of things, big and small, I would change about that day, I am indescribably happy about it's outcome: the piece of paper in it's beautiful frame (complete with cricket guts... they just won't come off!) that says that Nicko is mine and I am his and knowing that it will stay that way until we die. I am so lucky to have someone who loves me for me and has been a constant support and, of course, gave me this:

I really don't know what I would do without him and I look forward to the years to come.

How did we celebrate?

We had a wonderful meal at Artichoke Cafe- I ate antelope (which was amazing!) and he had scallops- went to Betty's Bath for a couples retreat- which included a hot oil scalp, hair and neck treatment, massage and a salt glow- and followed with a semi-peaceful (there was a wedding reception going on) night at the Hyatt. It was really nice since I was able to drink wine with my dinner this year, even if we couldn't enjoy the traditional fondue.

Nicko, I love you.

Change

Pre-bloggy pep-talk: change is good.

Ok good so long as it is not the poopy changes going on in Monster's diaper. Eating oatmeal is good. Opening diaper to find poopy so stinky it makes me slightly sick... not so good.

Feel free to shout "TMI" at the computer, just be happy I didn't supply pictures.

Ok, so for the real changes:

***

Habits

No, I'm not a druggie, but I am an addict. A soda addict.

The last time I gave up sodas, I turned to coffee as a replacement. The problem is that I wasn't drinking plain 'ol joe- it was white mochas, flavored lattes and chai lattes. So rather than losing weight like I hoped, I ended up gaining. (Working in a cafe when I did this, of course made things worse.) I then turned to drinking non-fat lattes only and lo and behold, I started to lose weight.

This time around I once again turned to chai... only this time I didn't stop drinking sodas. Oops.

*

Arms

I know everyone has seen what my arms look like and I'm sure that many wonder what happened. I have keratosis pilaris, but I pick at it. Years of picking at those horrible little bumps has my arm looking like some sort of battlefield.

The 21 Day Plan to Kick my Habits

First off, non-habit: I will start the C25K program and I will do yoga on the off days every day for the next 21 days. If exercising hasn't become some sort of habit by then, it most likely never will.

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I'm going back to non-fat lattes. I know that with time, I will crave the sugar from soda less.

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No more picking. This is going to be very hard and I know that the first three days are going to be hell, but studies say that it takes three weeks to break a habit and I really need this one to go away. Not only will I leave the bumps of ugliness alone, I am going to slather on aquaphor every night and moisturize throughout the day- since that is what helps keep them at bay (there is no cure). Once the damage I have inflicted has healed, I may speak to a dermatologist about more invasive treatment.

*

Perhaps I am taking on too much, but I figure these next few weeks are going to suck anyway.

So that's all for this part... part two will be posted as soon as I finish it. (I started it first).

Going Granola (change part 2)

I am, by no means, a crunchy mama, nor do I plan on becoming one. But semi-crunchy is ok. We did not decide to cloth diaper the Monster because of environmental concerns- it was a perk, not motivation. However, the more I read, the more I want to go organic.

Someone once mentioned on babycenter that vinegar can be used as fabric softener and, by doing so, mildewed towels will be a thing of the past. Since I'm married to a man who just tosses his twisted towel over the shower door, I figured this trick was worth a shot. Not only does it get rid of the stink, the towels come out super soft. All of our towels and sheets are now softened (is that the right terminology?) with vinegar. I found a great site online that list all of the various ways that vinegar (alone or mixed with other regular household items) can be used to clean things around the house. Vinegar is now our all-purpose cleaner.

As nice as the site is, I remembered once reading an article in Parents/Parenting magazine (I can't remember which) about a woman who decided to upgrade her housekeeping skills and one of the books she referenced was called Organic Housekeeping. The article is not about becoming a green housekeeper, but a more organized and efficient housekeeper. Since this book is all about doing just that in a way that's safe for everyone living in the house, I figured it was worth looking into (and lord knows that I need help in the organization department.) So far I have learned that I should recycle more and that clutter makes cleaning more tedious. Ok so that (clutter) should be pretty obvious, but I didn't really think about it quite like that. She refers to a hotel roomp-keeper she knows who makes the bed(s), vacuums, and cleans every surface in a suite in just 30 minutes. This is possible because hotel rooms don't have clutter. De-cluttering our house is going to be a huge task, but it will be worth it in the end.

As I read more, I may share little tips... but we'll see.

I do want to go all organic in the food department, but it's expensive. Perhaps once I get a little better at clipping coupons, we'll take the plunge.

Sleep Issues II

You- "you" meaning the invisible friends who read this since I'm quite certain no real person does- may recall the post about starting the Sleep Lady Shuffle from a couple of weeks ago and though I promised to update, I have not.

The Update: we haven't even come close to doing the shuffle.

What I know of the shuffle I've learned from articles in parenting magazines, online summaries, and discussions on community boards. So by "a ton" of research, I meant slight research. After a couple of nights of sitting next to the crib and shushing as the Monster fussed, I realized that I really didn't know anything about the method I was trying to employ and since sleep is so important, I should really figure out what the heck I should really be doing. So I a few days later (payday, if you're wondering why it took me a few days) I bought the Sleep Lady's book. I started reading it last night. I'm only 50 pages in (hey, I have other reading to do for school too) but so far I am glad that we choose to do the shuffle. However, after reading the introduction, I have realized that Monster is not as good of a sleeper as I thought he was. The following information is more for my use than anything else, but if anyone out there is thinking of starting sleep training with their little one maybe this can help them.

So here are the things we need to fix:

• Bedtime needs to be earlier. We've been putting him down at 9 and he should be in bed around 7. He naps sometime around 6 and 7, but when we put him down for the night at that time he wakes up multiple times during the night (we're talking every two hours.)
• He should be able to soothe himself to sleep at the random nighttime waking(s) rather than relying on one of us to stick the paci back in his mouth and soothe him.
• 5:30 is too early to be up for the day. 7am is a much more ideal time.

I kind of like that Nick is able to spend a decent amount of time with the Monster after work. An earlier bedtime is going to this time in half, and on the nights that Nick has to work from home (an often occurrence as of late) that time will be zero. But I know we will all benefit from a good night's rest.

I am overjoyed that this "training" may get the Monster to sleep a little later.

So for the next week, we will be writing down everything the Monster does day and night (i.e: playing, napping, pooping, fussing, etc.- not things like sucking on fingers or farting.) I know the basics of what he does while with me, but I'm sure there are small, yet important, things that I am missing- and we need the play by play from when he's at the g-mas' houses. I know both Nick and I will benefit from looking at it, and the information is needed for sleep training.

**Edit: I have now read everything up to six months (which is when she recommends starting the shuffle).

I am so glad I bought this book. Tomorrow we start for real and I think the main focus is going to be getting Monster to nap longer. According to West, sleep begets sleep. So please my wonderful little Monster, Let mommy and daddy sleep tonight!

Wish us luck!

One Week Down

... fifteen more to go!

It's funny, now that I've experienced 38.5 weeks of pregnancy, 16 week semesters seem like nothing. (I'm sure I won't be saying that in a couple of months though.)

I survived the first week of school, but it wasn't easy. I ended up sleeping for most of yesterday. I think the more I get used to actually using my brain and walking/running between classes, the easier it will get. As much as a pain as it may be, I am kind of glad that my classes are kind of far apart from one another. It feels good to be getting some exercise and this weight isn't going to disappear on it's own. I'm still hoping to go running in the morning before leaving to take the Monster to his g-ma's. Perhaps I will give it a shot tomorrow.

On an unrelated note, I am so excited for Halloween! The monster is going to be dressed up as Timcampy from D.Gray-Man, but Nick and I are still undecided on ourselves. I don't even know if we will be going out for Halloween. Oh well, fall is approaching quickly and the best part is the smell of green chile roasting! There really isn't anything like it. I will greatly miss it when we move (if we ever do).

Creepy Orange Sky of Doom

To quote the facebook status of a friend of mine, "It looks like the apocalypse is occuring outside right now" and she would be absolutely correct. It is rainy and windy. Thunder is rumbling so loudly that the house is shaking and lightning strikes every minute or so. But that's not the creepiest part. The sky is a golden yellow color.

Never in my nearly 25 years of living in the Land of Enchantment have I seen such a sky. It scares me a little and fascinates me even more. Of course BOTH of the camera batteries would be dead and my phone does little justice to the awe-inspiring sight.

In light of such events, I have decided to get over my pity-party. There are so many good and happy things in my life and my blog thus far has not shown that and it's a real shame. So here are somethings that I should share:

• I have a husband who loves me. He is not perfect (and lord knows I'm not either) and yes, he can drive me insane sometimes, but he's mine and I can't even imagine my life without him.
• I have a family who loves and supports me. Though they are all slightly crazy, they are a great bunch of people and I wouldn't be who I am without them.
• I have the most beautiful little boy. He's charming, silly, endlessly entertaining and as Taylor Swift says in her latest single, "the best thing that's ever been mine." And he slept from 9pm to 6am last night.

The Sleep Issue

It's time to mom-up and I'm not excited about it.

Though the Monster's sleep pattern could be much worse, we (Nick, myself and our pediatrician) feel that the Monster is ready to start self-soothing. I've researched, read and than re-read the various methods of getting the babeh to sleep through the night and it came down to The Ferber Method and the Sleep Lady Shuffle. Why were we tied between two almost extremes, you ask? The newer version of the Ferber method is actually a lot gentler than before and, if we stick to it, Monster should be able to self-soothe and sleep better through the night. The "shuffle" is a sort of supervised crying (if it even comes down to crying) rather than crying-it-out, but it takes longer.

You may ask why we even had to think about it, but it really isn't a decision that should be taken lightly. We want it to work and in order to do so, we have to be able to stick with it.

We started the Shuffle last night. Or a variation of the shuffle at least.

Monster still enjoys his pacifier, so rather than quit it cold turkey we're going to ease him off. I'm not entirely sure how, but for now when he cries at night, he gets the pacifier and one of us stays with him until he falls asleep (but no picking him up). Eventually we will go without it, but I want to talk to the pediatrician first on a good way to do it.

***

On another note, I start school tomorrow. Boo. I'm going to miss my little Monster, but I survived a night without him (albeit with a lot of tears) so I think I'll be ok tomorrow. I will update on our sleep progress as the weeks progress.

Separation Anxiety

Monday I go back to school... and I will be there from 9 to 3. I have never been away from my Monster for more than a few hours and the closer the weekend comes, the more anxious I get.

For some crazy reason, I decided to let Monster stay the night at my MIL's house this Friday night. Before people (if there is anyone reading this) jump to conclusions, I absolutely trust Lori with the Monster and the husband and I could really use a nice night to ourselves. But I don't think I'm ready. And I don't know how nice of a night we will have since I'm sure that I will want to just go to bed early after I'm done crying my eyeballs out. However, I can't my mind. Lori and Nick would be super disappointed and, as much as I hate admitting it, I know that I could really use a break.

Sadly, what I really need is an all-day spa treat followed by a nice hotel room.... by myself. It's not that I don't love being with Nick, and it's not that I'm not looking forward to going out to re-kindle some of the spark we've lost, but I really feel that I don't do anything for myself. Yes, I buy myself things, I eat ice cream (much to the dismay of my growing waistline), and I gab with the few friends I have, but I need a real "me day."

I know I have touched upon this already, but it makes me sad that all I wanted to do this summer was finish one stupid painting and I never did... and I doubt I will before Monday. But there is a baby to tend to and a house to keep clean (and I'm barely able to keep up with the most basic cleaning tasks). I wish that I could just say to Nick, "You're watching the baby tonight so I can do something for me," which he has said me a few times (not quite like that though.) It's not that Nick would tell me no (well he would depending on the situation) but I have this fear- perhaps unfounded- that he thinks all I do is sit on my ass all day long while he's out making the money I spend on coffee and such. Heaven knows that I don't, I mean heck, today I was nearly in tears because I decided to nap when Monster was napping instead of clean and I felt so guilty. So asking Nick to give up his personal time (which usually involves some game on his computer) after work so I can paint just isn't going to happen. Yes, I get that I am complaining about not doing something when I have no intention of actually trying. I am a sad, sad person.

I'm going to go look at my sleeping child now. His precious face always cheers me up.

Vaccination Day

Boo.

Monster gets his 4 month boosters today. I hate that he has to get shots, especially shots that are mixed with so many different vaccines. When I really think about it, I wish I would have insisted that we delay, but then I hear about the pertussis epidemic in CA and I am very glad that I am vaccinating on a schedule. I am now planning on getting the Tdap vaccine combo to ensure that the little Monster doesn't get whooping cough from me... and I will probably force the hubs to do the same.

To add to the sadness, I think the Monster may be going through the 4 month old sleep regression. Normally, he goes to bed around 9, wakes sometime between 3 and 4, is back to sleep in 30 minutes, wakes around 5:30, comes in bed with me and will sleep no later than 8:30 (not always, but most of the time) and is then up for the day. Apparently that means he is sleeping through the night, who knew? I am not happy to only get a few hours of straight sleep every night, but it's doable and I am usually able to function the following day. However last night the Monster woke up six times. I'm trying to run off of three terrible hours of sleep. I really hope that this was just a weird night and not the actual regression because if it was, this can continue for weeks (or even months) and with school starting next week, I kind of need my sleep. There are few things that make me feel like a total failure, but bawling my eyes out while I rock the baby and beg him to go to sleep is certainly one of them.

So, today should be fun. I'm hoping that the Monster ends up being more sleepy than fussy today since I'm planning on visiting a friend and her newborn this afternoon, and I would prefer to keep the Monster with me and not dump him on Grandma. What horrible timing. Time for coffee.

Progress

The other day I re-arranged the bedroom furniture... by myself! I is awesome. Our room, which is a pretty good size, now looks even bigger. The headboard is blocking a good chunk of the window, so we're not getting as much natural light, but it creates a new and pleasant ambiance. There is still more work to be done, but I'm pleased with what has been done so far.

Feeling Itchy

Silly me brought home an issue of Do It Yourself magazine and now I have a crazy itch to start decorating my house. It's not all bad since we've been living at this house for 16 months now and, apart from the Monster's amazing nursery, the walls are super bare. The problems with this itch are as follows:

1. Nick and I have very different tastes when it comes to decor. He was kind enough to give me free reign when it came to the nursery, but he's vetoing my ideas for other parts of the house left and right. I am willing to compromise, but I feel like we're living in an almost bachelor pad, and I need that to change. Desperately.

2. Money. I really want us to start setting a budget and sticking to it. Nick and I are both impulsive spenders- he spends a good chunk of money on a few big and often unnecessary things that will not be used very much and I eat away at the money with constant small purchases that don't serve the family as a whole (i.e. coffee). In order to do all of the things that I want to be able to do to the house, we need to be in a place where we're sticking to budget and actually utilizing our savings account, as well as being able to afford little decor items.

3. Time. There never seems to be enough. I'm worried that I'll start this project and end up abandoning it for whatever reason. I'm usually good at following through on something I'm really passionate about, but it's really hard when I'm taking care of the Monster, mostly on my own, all day long and I feel extremely guilty if I use nap-time for myself rather than, say, get some laundry done. Hence the reason why my goal of starting my own etsy shop will never happen. And, of course, with school starting in just a couple of weeks, any second of free-time I have will be gone.

Now I've depressed myself.

I do hope I can do something around here. I want to rearrange the furniture in our bedroom, so maybe I'll cheer up if we ever do it (if I could do it myself, I would.... maybe I should try?)

On that cheery note, I'm off to wash bottles and pray I get some sleep in before the Monster wakes up.

*edit- Nick came out to wash bottles for me. I kind of like him.

The Beginning of a Beautiful Relationship?

The toe-protecting sandals are gone.

The other day (I don't actually remember which day) the wonderful Keens were replaced with a pair of Merrells. Here's what they look like:

I'm still getting used to the back strappy, but they are very comfortable. I hope I continue to like them. I may get another pair of toe-protectors later though. I really did love them.

The End of a Beautiful Relationship

As wonderful as this past weekend was, something very tragic has resulted. I lost my favorite pair of flip-flops. I think they got kicked under the bed in the bridal suite, but the hotel staff haven't seen them.

I am still holding onto a little hope that they will turn up, but I really think they are gone. I will miss them.

Indecision

Before I begin to write about why this post is titled like it is, I want to talk about my weekend.

My little sister got married yesterday. It was a beautiful ce

remony and a fun-filled celebration. Not only was she absolutely beautiful, she handled a self-absorded and absolutely ridiculous bridesmaid and a stressful mother/photographer with a grace I do not posses. And now, all the McDuffie girls are married. One rather good thing about the wedding, though not the best thing, was that I felt very pretty and it has been (what feels like) a very long time since I've felt that.

I bawled like a baby. I didn't even cry when I got married... or when my son was born.

Isn't she pretty?

So onto me:

One of the biggest problems that I have encountered postpartum is that I've lost myself a little bit. I have a hard enough time being a wife and a mother, forget about being just me. I have decided that I need to start doing something just for me every day. I really want to start an etsy shop to sell my paintings. But I haven't found the time to paint. Hopefully I will find the time... and the motivation. I'm also thinking about picking up Scandinavian Needlecraft. Can you guess why? I just need to start taking advantage of Logan's nap time and actually decide what I want to do. Perhaps one day I will.

A New Beginning

Some people may wonder why I have decided to start another blog. The answer is this: the other blog is a family-friendly blog, intended to update family (and friends) that are out of state on the things going on in our life. That blog is not appropriate for the ranting and venting that I intend to use this one for.

I'm hoping that this blog will be entertaining to some people, though I have a feeling that it will become mundane after a while (or perhaps immediately).

For any....uh... strangers that may be lurking out there, here is a brief history of myself:

I am Aliza. I have have given myself the nickname "Von Burglarstein", which comes from the Japanese animation Mythical Detective Loki Ragnarok. I am studying History, with a minor in medieval studies. I am married to Nicko and we have a wonderful little monster named Logan.

I love all of my family, but they also drive me nuts. I am currently battling PCOS plus insulin resistance and postpartum depression. I am Woman, hear me roar.... or something like that.